“I’ve Got My Mojo Back” ?????

The voice in my head was saying in my best Austin Powers imitation “Where is my Mojo”? “I’ve got to find my Mojo baby”. The fog of uncertainty about my ability to push myself during the workouts seems to be clearing up a bit.  Ever since I purposefully decided a couple of weeks ago that I was not going to let myself off the hook I have been having better results in the gym.  That is not to say that I have become some kind real athlete or anything; I still pretty much suck at most every movement or exercise.  I just don’t suck quite as much.  During the workouts I have been having a mental conversation with myself on the merits of my performance.  Dialogue such as “I don’t believe you really maxed your lift”, “You call that a kettle bell swing?”, You know you better add more weight than that” and “you need to go faster cause you don’t feel like puking yet”.  I know this sounds very negative and actually punishing but it worked. I know that all the psychologist say that positive reinforcement works better. 

The funny thing is that I can’t stand for anyone else to talk to me in that negative tone.  In fact I am quite notorious for getting into arguments with my trainers when they get the least bit harsh in their coaching style with me.  But I am allowed to beat myself up.  It’s just like when I was little and I used to get into fights with my brother but I won’t let anyone else beat my brother up. 

That feeling, that nebulous exhilarating feeling, started to come back.  That feeling you get when you know that you have gutted out every ounce of effort you could muster.  It began to clear away the fog in my head. That feeling you get when your body is exploding with a power and a strength that you didn’t know you had.  I began to feel confident and worthy again.  The first time during this period that I started to feel this way was when I looked at the recorded times for a workout and noticed that I wasn’t last like I always was.  I thought maybe it was a fluke, maybe everyone else was just having a bad day and then it happened again.  I WAS NOT LAST! This was no fluke.  I can and I have improved.  I can and I have pushed myself beyond my comfort zone.  I have not allowed myself to simply accept my inadequacies as the future state.  Now that I’ve got my Mojo back, I’m hungry for so much more.  I am still struggling to keep up with most of the people in the gym but I realize that the contest is with me. I know that I will have good and bad days but that the power to bring back the motivation is with me.

“Break on Through to the Other Side”

I intend to go back to sharing more about myself in other postings so that you can relate and stuff.  But for right now I am facing a dilemma. It is not a crisis situation or anything however it is stressing me out.  You see I’m stuck; stuck in a rut. I am referring to my inability to improve my performance in the CrossFit exercises and therefore become fitter and lose more weight.  Oh yes for a while I was able to tell myself things to make me feel better about being in a rut.  Things like – I’m just taking it easy because I’m trying to recover from the competition (the games).  The games are a whole other story that I will get to in another posting.  Or things like – it’s natural to stabilize once in a while; you can’t always make great gains. Another really good thing that I tell myself is that of course I couldn’t go at the exercises very hard because I was doing that crazy Paleo challenge and I was in a weaker state due to lack of glucose in my system.  That sounds very logical and almost scientific.  So I love that. 

I’ve got all these great reasons why I’m doing just under my best every single time I go in to workout.  If they are so great why do I have this gnawing terrible guilt feeling all the time? Because I am guilty that’s why.  I am guilty of not putting my best effort out there.  I am guilty of putting on a charade to my workout buddies and hoping that they think I gave it my all.  I want the high fives and back slaps at the end of the workout to mean something; to be real. I am guilty of cheating myself of the feeling of true accomplishment and the physical benefits derived from that.  None of these reasons are true reasons.  They are convenient excuses.

So why am I not really giving it my all?  I don’t know if I have an answer.  Somehow I have lost that spark, that motivation that I had just a couple of months ago.  Some of it is due to the fact that I came in last at the competition which made me question my abilities.  Am I fooling myself thinking that I was some kind of badass?  Because obviously not.  Part of the answer lies in the fact that even after all that stringent clean eating from the Paleo challenge I only managed to lose 6 lbs total in 4 weeks.  What is wrong with my body and maybe it’s just hopeless for me.  Yes this is whining but this is also self-reflection.  Somehow, some way I have to find a way to break out of this mode of thinking.  I have to be able to get back into that state of mind where I was highly motivated to improve.  I want that feeling again. I can almost taste what it felt like.  I want that rush that came from me putting every bit of what I had into a workout and coming through the other side in a state of intoxicating euphoria.  Ok, ok, too much drug allegory but that is the truth.

I am going to make a promise to myself that for the next two weeks I will consciously make an effort to recognize my level of effort every time I work out.  I may not be able to raise that level up every time but at least I will be honest with myself and not pretend. The first step to solving any problem is to first recognize there is a problem; so that’s what I’m doing.  The hope is that in acknowledging the reality I will have no choice but to address it.  I can either choose to do nothing or I can choose to “Break on Through to the Other Side”

“I can’t” and how it became my mantra

Everyone who knows me knows that I am a “Can Do” person. In every part of my life I am ferocious; I tackle everything with the intense intent to Win! At work I am known as “The Queen”. Not some queen that stays demurely behind a king, but a warrior queen who practically attacks a project or an initiative like my life depended on it.  It was the same when I was in college.  Someone said to me once that I shouldn’t really expect to get a 4.0 every semester.  Oh yeah, you want to bet? Even in my personal life everything that I do I have to do it at a level which sometimes scare people.  So how did it become that when it came to my ability to do physical activity I was a Can’t person. It wasn’t always that way.  Back in high school I excelled in martial arts; in college I was a good runner doing 3 – 4 mile runs on a regular basis.  And let me tell you I had the body that reflected that.  Even as a young woman I still was able to do rigorous exercise and maintain a slim shape.  In my head still, I have the same image of myself as when I was young, strong and fit.

That is why it is so jarring every time I look at myself in the mirror.  It is as if I have lost myself, as if my body has betrayed my soul. How did it happen?  I honestly don’t know how.  The weight crept up like a thief robbing me of my ability to be a can do person; robbing me of my ability to direct my physical life. Little by little.

The Box (CrossFit Gym) was full of Cant’s. Pull ups; can’t. Box jumps, no way, can’t. Run 400 meters, are you kidding me? You want me to lift how much? Can’t. I said it to myself and I said it out loud as loudly as I could so that no one could possibly expect me to do any of this stuff.  It was my mantra. The only reason I didn’t quit was because I had to look at my husband’s eyes every time I mentioned quitting.  The hurt and the fear (for my health) that I saw in his eyes kept me pushing through.  For several months I trudged on just barely able to call myself working out.  That is the magic of CrossFit, no matter where you are physically or mentally it will overcome you, even the most negative You that a person can be.  Which would be me.  It was me kicking and screaming inside saying “NO I CAN’T”.  And CrossFit saying “YES YOU CAN”.  Those would be the coaches.  I am so grateful that they didn’t let me get away with all that Can’t crap. If I showed up, they would coach the crap out of me. Oh I didn’t like it one bit because nobody orders me around; remember I’m the Queen.  For the interest of time I won’t go into all the gory details and the intensity of those coaching lessons but just suffice it to know that it was not pleasant for me or for the coaches.

Then something happened, slowly but surely something changed. Maybe, just maybe I can lift that. Maybe, just maybe I might be able to jump that really low box.  Maybe if I use a really tight band I just might be able to do a couple of pull ups. I don’t remember the exact day but I do remember the moment when my life changed. A door has opened for me. I have a glimmer of hope.  That image of my slim, fit self was emerging slowly through the fog, just a little bit.  I got giddy. My mantra changed to “Maybe I Can”.  And so begin the rest of my journey.

Am I Interesting Enough to Blog?

Double Happiness is a Chinese phrase or symbol that reflects the greatest joy one can have. I chose it for the name of my blog because finally I am living that joy.  The theme of this blog is my personal journey towards fitness.  Yes fitness because that is what has enabled me to experience this level of happiness.  Let me introduce myself and share with you why I have decided to have a blog. I use to believe that only really very interesting people should have blogs.  Otherwise what would you have to talk about that would make other people want to read it?  Now I just think that writing this blog is really for me and I hope that there are others who can relate to my experiences.  I am a middle aged married woman with one grown son.  I work in the information technology arena as middle management; in other words a desk job. My life consisted of going to work, coming home, eating dinner and getting in front of the TV to veg out until it’s time to go to bed. On the weekends my husband and I would go out to big box retailers and shop until we got tired of walking around; which didn’t take very long.  Sometimes, every few days or so and maybe on weekend mornings we would go across the street from our house to do a little walking.  I even tried jogging a little bit.  But at 5’ 2” and weighing 200 lbs., the reality for me was that it was nearly impossible for me to actually run.  Our lives centered on good food and wine.  Even our vacations destinations were centered on what restaurants were there.

This was all great except for one thing; my health. I was slowly but surely dying from my dangerous health situation.  You see, I am a diabetic.  Have been diagnosed for almost 15 years and was progressively getting worse and worse.  My doctor has prescribed higher and higher dosages of medication for the last few years but to no avail.  I literally needed to take my life into my hands and turn it around.  Only problem was; I didn’t know how.  Oh I tried everything.  I bought an elliptical machine and actually used it.  Nothing changed.  I walked, nothing really changed.  I tried to eat right; you know the low fat low calorie diets that everyone says you should do. Nothing changed. Ok, ok; I know this is boring and just sad.  What else is new; I was just like millions of other women in their 50s, fat, tired, out of shape and with no hope of ever getting out of this cycle. 

But then a miracle happened.  Yes I said miracle! I actually acted on some advice from my son.  You have to know me to understand that is a miracle in itself.  He badgered me about something called CrossFit. Cross what; what is it?  Is it a gym? Because I’ve tried gyms before and I’m not doing that again.  “It’s not a gym Mom, it’s a box”.  A box? The more he talked the more I was convinced that it was some kind of crazy cult.  I didn’t want to have anything to do with it.  After I saw some videos of how crazy the workouts were I really didn’t want to have anything to do with it.  But I was desperate so I tip toed visited “the Box”.  I have to leave something for my next post so I’ll just say this.  CrossFit has changed my life; I no longer am hopeless.  I have completely turned around my dangerous health situation and I am continuing to improve every single day.  Now, the process was not so pretty and certainly not easy.  Nothing worthwhile is.  I’ll tell you about the gory details in upcoming postings. Until then I hope that someone who is like me can begin to see a glimmer of hope.