Everyone who knows me knows that I am a “Can Do” person. In every part of my life I am ferocious; I tackle everything with the intense intent to Win! At work I am known as “The Queen”. Not some queen that stays demurely behind a king, but a warrior queen who practically attacks a project or an initiative like my life depended on it. It was the same when I was in college. Someone said to me once that I shouldn’t really expect to get a 4.0 every semester. Oh yeah, you want to bet? Even in my personal life everything that I do I have to do it at a level which sometimes scare people. So how did it become that when it came to my ability to do physical activity I was a Can’t person. It wasn’t always that way. Back in high school I excelled in martial arts; in college I was a good runner doing 3 – 4 mile runs on a regular basis. And let me tell you I had the body that reflected that. Even as a young woman I still was able to do rigorous exercise and maintain a slim shape. In my head still, I have the same image of myself as when I was young, strong and fit.
That is why it is so jarring every time I look at myself in the mirror. It is as if I have lost myself, as if my body has betrayed my soul. How did it happen? I honestly don’t know how. The weight crept up like a thief robbing me of my ability to be a can do person; robbing me of my ability to direct my physical life. Little by little.
The Box (CrossFit Gym) was full of Cant’s. Pull ups; can’t. Box jumps, no way, can’t. Run 400 meters, are you kidding me? You want me to lift how much? Can’t. I said it to myself and I said it out loud as loudly as I could so that no one could possibly expect me to do any of this stuff. It was my mantra. The only reason I didn’t quit was because I had to look at my husband’s eyes every time I mentioned quitting. The hurt and the fear (for my health) that I saw in his eyes kept me pushing through. For several months I trudged on just barely able to call myself working out. That is the magic of CrossFit, no matter where you are physically or mentally it will overcome you, even the most negative You that a person can be. Which would be me. It was me kicking and screaming inside saying “NO I CAN’T”. And CrossFit saying “YES YOU CAN”. Those would be the coaches. I am so grateful that they didn’t let me get away with all that Can’t crap. If I showed up, they would coach the crap out of me. Oh I didn’t like it one bit because nobody orders me around; remember I’m the Queen. For the interest of time I won’t go into all the gory details and the intensity of those coaching lessons but just suffice it to know that it was not pleasant for me or for the coaches.
Then something happened, slowly but surely something changed. Maybe, just maybe I can lift that. Maybe, just maybe I might be able to jump that really low box. Maybe if I use a really tight band I just might be able to do a couple of pull ups. I don’t remember the exact day but I do remember the moment when my life changed. A door has opened for me. I have a glimmer of hope. That image of my slim, fit self was emerging slowly through the fog, just a little bit. I got giddy. My mantra changed to “Maybe I Can”. And so begin the rest of my journey.
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