“I’ve Got My Mojo Back” ?????

The voice in my head was saying in my best Austin Powers imitation “Where is my Mojo”? “I’ve got to find my Mojo baby”. The fog of uncertainty about my ability to push myself during the workouts seems to be clearing up a bit.  Ever since I purposefully decided a couple of weeks ago that I was not going to let myself off the hook I have been having better results in the gym.  That is not to say that I have become some kind real athlete or anything; I still pretty much suck at most every movement or exercise.  I just don’t suck quite as much.  During the workouts I have been having a mental conversation with myself on the merits of my performance.  Dialogue such as “I don’t believe you really maxed your lift”, “You call that a kettle bell swing?”, You know you better add more weight than that” and “you need to go faster cause you don’t feel like puking yet”.  I know this sounds very negative and actually punishing but it worked. I know that all the psychologist say that positive reinforcement works better. 

The funny thing is that I can’t stand for anyone else to talk to me in that negative tone.  In fact I am quite notorious for getting into arguments with my trainers when they get the least bit harsh in their coaching style with me.  But I am allowed to beat myself up.  It’s just like when I was little and I used to get into fights with my brother but I won’t let anyone else beat my brother up. 

That feeling, that nebulous exhilarating feeling, started to come back.  That feeling you get when you know that you have gutted out every ounce of effort you could muster.  It began to clear away the fog in my head. That feeling you get when your body is exploding with a power and a strength that you didn’t know you had.  I began to feel confident and worthy again.  The first time during this period that I started to feel this way was when I looked at the recorded times for a workout and noticed that I wasn’t last like I always was.  I thought maybe it was a fluke, maybe everyone else was just having a bad day and then it happened again.  I WAS NOT LAST! This was no fluke.  I can and I have improved.  I can and I have pushed myself beyond my comfort zone.  I have not allowed myself to simply accept my inadequacies as the future state.  Now that I’ve got my Mojo back, I’m hungry for so much more.  I am still struggling to keep up with most of the people in the gym but I realize that the contest is with me. I know that I will have good and bad days but that the power to bring back the motivation is with me.